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These are some of Karyn's "Phunnies".  She sends out about ten or twelve a week, I hope I can keep up with posting the best ones.


An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and was with two 18-year-old girls. Both of them.  Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."


The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to  get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (Panama 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".


A man went into a store and ordered a keilbasa sandwich to which the owner asked, "Are you Polish?"

This seemed to irritate the man.  He asked, "If I was to ask for a meatball sandwich would you ask if I were Italian?

To which the owner said, "No!!"

"If I were to ask for a bratwurst would you ask if I were German?"

And again the owner said, "No!"

"Well, why would you ask me if I'm Polish because I ordered a keilbasa sandwich?"

To which the owner replied, "You're in a hardware store."


Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.  The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad.  So I rented him a tuxedo."


Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.  Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week's unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.  Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.  "I sew the elastic on.  He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the  boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh?  What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"


Stories about hard landings ....

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called
"touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Dictionary: Landing: (noun) a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.