HOROSCOPE FOR SOUTHERNERS
by Frank Gannon

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either, needless to say. SO what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognized up there in the night sky.

Okra
Dec 22-Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chiltlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil
Feb. 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie
Mar 21 - April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum
April 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish
May 22- June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not part particularly attractive physically , but you have very good heads.

Collards
June 22 - July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of headaches.

Catfish
July 24-Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalist in matters of the heart, although one, whiskers, may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits
Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim if to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel. Maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts
Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately Those who know you best - your friends and loved ones- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. One the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Beans
Oct 24 - Nov. 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next toanybody. However, you too, should have nothing to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually Quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashion and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You are really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.