A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn! We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

And then, there was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", this is what he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages...

From the Consulting 101 manual.... "You Just Need to Think Like a Professional" 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

Three members of a consultancy firm: a secretary, a consultant, and a manager are walking through a park on their way to lunch, when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears. The Genie says, I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!" Poof! She's gone. The astonished consultant exclaims "Me next! Me next!" Me next!". I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. You're next, says the Genie to the manager. The manager says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A guy get`s shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river."

Sayings on Women's T-Shirts Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles; I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. And your point is... I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. I'm busy; you're obnoxious; have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Don't worry, it'll only seem kinky the first time... Of course I don't look busy; I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."

New Years Resolutions for Dogs I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Many years ago, After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev drink a little vodka and get into a discussion: NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union. BREZHNEV: Not so! That's capitalist propaganda! NIXON: No, I'm sure of it. You have a lot of drunks! BREZHNEV: Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the night tonight, and I'll give you a machine gun. If you see any drunk you can kill him! NIXON: Ahhh! Very good... (Evil smile) That night, at 1am, Nixon decides to go out. Brezhnev phones Andropov, who is head of the KGB, and tells him to get all the drunks off the street. So Nixon and Brezhnev go cruising around Moscow, Nixon carrying the machine gun in his lap. They drive for two hours - and not a single drunk. Nixon is in the throws of despair, and they are about to head back in, when he spots one lone drunk - staggering everywhere - who has escaped the dragnet. Nixon rolls down the window and blows the guy away. Three months later, Brezhnev comes to the U.S., and after negotiating with Nixon, they have some Vodka again. BREZHNEV: Dick, I hear you Americans are a bunch of drunks. NIXON: Not true. We're hard working people. BREZHNEV: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you, machine gun and all. At 1:00. So Nixon calls the police and the FBI and tells them to get all the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising around in a limo, Brezhnev with a machine gun on his lap. Three hours - absolutely nothing. Brezhnev was tired and says, "Okay, Dick, you win. I'm tired. Let's go home." Suddenly, as they're heading back to the White House, they see a group of 11 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their minds. Elated, Brezhnev rolls down the window and blows them all away. Headline next morning in the Washington Post: FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF SOVIET EMBASSY!

Dater Loster (commonly known as "Our Hard Drive") Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name Thy code be clean, Thy fonts be seen On screen as they are on paper. Give us this day our documents, And lead us not into fragmentation But deliver us our data. For thine is the SCSI, And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever, Amen.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's rear ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's rear too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country

Things That You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say: "I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex." "Duct tape won't fix that." "I thought Graceland was too tacky." "Do you think my hair is too big?" "I'll have the argula and radicchio salad." "Checkmate." "Elvis who?" "Honey, did you mail that cheque to Greenpeace?"

Subject: Job therapy When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT"days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company." It works!

What's your sign? How many of you does it take to change a light bulb? Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away. Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? Scorpio:That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb? Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so..... Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take then new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along. The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it. The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?

Q. Why did the blond freeze to death in the drive-in? A. She went to see "Closed For The Season"

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre 'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time was four little pig."

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman. "Of course", says the barman. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.