"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his recent address to the nation and said: "Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask." Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?"

Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then you realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet.

"Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln."

"It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it."

Q. Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married men? A. It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month...

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software company" Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly wide-spread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.

From: "The Loony Bin" "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." (overheard in a hallway, from Saul Rothstein, Chelmsford, MA, USA) "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." (CBS reporter during the solar eclipse) "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." (announcer on KZOK radio, Seattle, USA) "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" (CBS baseball announcer) "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." (Irish Politician on RTE radio) "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." (BBC world service) "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." (Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." (Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal) "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" (Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4) "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." (Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV) "That race was all about competition." (David Coleman, ITV) "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." (Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3) Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do: is it mining and engineering services? (BBC Radio 1) "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." (Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV) "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." (James Hunt, BBC2 TV) "A church spire nestling among the trees... there's probably a church there too." (Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV) "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day." (Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3) Interviewer: So you are the camp co-ordinator. What does that entail? Venture Scout: Well, basically, I co-ordinate the camp. ('8.15 From Manchester', BBC1 TV) "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment." (Newsreader, BBC Radio 4) "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy." (Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV) "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." (David Coleman, BBC 1 TV) "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." (Ian St John, ITV) "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." (Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio)

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley) As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle) I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee) It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds? The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle) There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

[I don't read the magazine, this one was forwarded to me] This is from the latest issue of "Stuff", which is published by "Maxim", which is sort of an Esquire for gen-Xers. They have a column called "True Lies", reader submitted stories of great stupidity. This one did not win the monthly prize, so you can imagine how stupid it really gets. "After an entire day of drinking, my roommate and I came across a dead cat on our way home. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen when my buddy picked it up, walked into the Chinese take-out place on the corner, placed the roadkill on the counter, called over the guy working there and said in a loud voice, "That's the last you're getting, Chen. Pay for the last dozen, or no more cats!" Then he turned around and left. Within seconds, customers fled the joint. The owner went ballistic and came after us. We took off and sprinted for at least six blocks. Finally, we stopped at a deli and collapsed on a bench outside. As we sat there laughing, a police car pulled up with the pissed-off restaurant owner inside. We were read our rights, hauled downtown and charged with disturbing the peace and cruelty to animals. We were each fined $300."

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, please bless this food that I am about to receive!"

I am not sure this one is worth it, but here goes anyway.... Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so. The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!!

If you missed it for Thanksgiving, there is still Christmas. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY Step 1: Go buy a turkey. Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey. Step 3: Put turkey in the oven. Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey. Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens. Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink. Step 7: Turn oven the on. Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky. Step 9: Turk the bastey. Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get. Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer. Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours. Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey. Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey. Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick. Step 17: Turk the carvey. Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch. Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey. Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

And if that one wasn't enough.... THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN (Sung to "My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean") The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped!