You might be a high-tech redneck if... - Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com." - You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page." - If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop." - Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson." - You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. - Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined. - You wire your network with jumper cables. - Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her. - You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on. - You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy." - Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver - You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all." - Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon." - Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors. - Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive. - You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis. - Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan. - Smith & Wesson...the original Point-N-Click interface. - When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS." - When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM. - When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets. - Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games. - You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

For the travelers.... The following are from a collection of signs from around the world. The list was compiled by Richard Lederer. "English Well Speeched Here" The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it." An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." In a certain African hotel you may choose between: "A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country." A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read: "Come inside and have a fit." A hotel notice in Madrid informs: "If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid." This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator: "The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: "If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up." This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor: "For sale boat single owner green in colour." A sign at Budapest's zoo requests: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to the guard on duty." A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: "As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed." A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions: "Order now your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation" A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims: "American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest methodists." The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job: "Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences." Some German hospitals now display the sign: "No children allowed in the maternity wards." The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athens hotel reads: "If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager." A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are not person to do such is please not to read notice." Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages." A Rome laundry suggests: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." A London eatery advertised for help this way: "Wanted : man to wash dishes and two waitresses." A notice in a Vienna hotel urges: "In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter."

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history...their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The professor of history said to the professor of psychology, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, . . . "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'm there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

A husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggly boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch"

The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Apparently a Minuteman missle crew has painted the massive concrete door atop one of their ICBM silos to look like a pizza box. It has the logo: "Delivery anywhere in the world within thirty minutes or the second one's free."

Silicon Valley startup Google.com says its search engine is based on a patent-pending technology that "performs an objective measurement of the importance of Web pages and is calculated by solving an equation of 500 million variables and more than 2 billion terms." How, then, to explain this: A reader's search for the phrase "more evil than Satan himself" returned Microsoft's home page as the first result.