Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Daffynitions Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo" What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.