Excerpts from a Cat's diary... DAY 659 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 662 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed. DAY 669 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 681 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm Not working according to plan DAY 688 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 690 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 699 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. "My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

More Blonde Jokes A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." ========== Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" ========== A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth". ========== So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!"

TOILET POLICY: Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all employees. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation. The following rules shall apply: 1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet-trip credits, which may be accumulated. 2. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first working day of the following month. 3. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush, and the door will open automatically. 4. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the TOILET OFFENDERS BOARD. 5. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. 6. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling. 7. Be advised that workman's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser or trying to keep the door from opening. We trust that you will cooperate fully with this policy and suggest that if you have any problems, you should make more use of your facilities at home where you can sit to your heart's content. Signed: THE MANAGEMENT

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well....?" She replies, "my son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God....'."

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer": 1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won 2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me 3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy 4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends 5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going 6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All 7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips 8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do 9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah 10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them? 11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount 12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog 13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well tattooed gentleman") 14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off 15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now 16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor 17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping. 18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About 19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian 20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge 21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich 22) Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money 23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional 24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be 25) Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. 26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen 27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship 28) The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt 29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You 30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time 31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take. 32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away. The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?" "Yes, Strawberries." "But they are out of season!" "I'll wait..."

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

THE SENILITY PRAYER God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.) 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why. 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference. 14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. 17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.