Duh Files

Whenever you think YOU have done something stupid....

One-legged mugger Paolo Bonetti tried to make his escape by stealing a motorbike when he was being chased by police in Viareggio, Italy. Unfortunately as he jumped on the bike his artificial leg fell off and he was caught because he was unable to start the engine.

A convicted murderer escaped from a Barcelona prison and threatened to kill his wife's lover. He gave himself up when he heard that 27 men and one woman had demanded police protection.

In Vancouver an armed robber who had demanded cash from a convenience store seemed to have kept his identity secret by wearing a balaclava. But the shopkeeper noticed he was still wearing his office ID badge displaying his name, company, department and photograph. When police later raided the office they discovered money and a replica gun in the drawer of his desk and full details of 5 robberies recorded on his computer. The man had apparently logged the crimes to prove that each robbery had been committed during his official lunch break so the company wouldn't give him the sack.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from
the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

What would we do without Dan Quayle...
Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since the average attention span in the U.S. is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first."
(George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back)

"If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be."
(Councilman John Bowman commenting on the high crime in Washington D.C.)

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."
(Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia)

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Any one found doing so will be prosecuted."
(On a sign at a railroad station)

"Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win."
(Yankee broadcaster Phil Rizzuto, during a game in which news reached him that Pope Paul had died)

"Anything concerning the Ambassador's swimming pool must be reffered to as water storage tank not as swimming pool."
(internal State Dept. memo, US Embassy, Vientiane, Laos)

"Minnesota voters played a major role in the victory of that state's gubernatorial primary elections yesterday."
(NRA press release)

"Facts are stupid things."
(Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention)

"We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion... ah, persuasion."
(Bella Abzug, NY politician, addressing a rally for the Eaual Rights Amendment)

"Making love is a mental illnes that wastes time and energy."
(People's Republic of China, official Communist Party proclamation, 1971)

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
(attributed to Sen. S.I. Hayakawa)

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
(Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team)

"Sure, some people pay money they may not owe. We make mistakes."
(IRS Commissioner Fred Goldberg Jr., responding to a magazine article that reported IRS billing errors of $7-15 billion)

"You mean there are two Koreas?"
(a US Ambassador-designate to the Far East, after being asked his opinion during congressional hearings on the North Korea - South Korea conflict, as reported by government officials)