One rallying cry of the technological revolution is 'wireless communications'. Perhaps the premier example of this is the ubiquitous cell phone. I joined the cellular crowd when I was traveling regularly and wanted to get rid of my pager. One of the draws was the intriguing concept of a cell phone as my only phone. With new pricing structures that can include nationwide long distance and no time restrictions this approach actually appeared plausible.

Unfortunately it was easy to forget the number of accumulated improvements in a plain old telephone. For example, with most any old-fashioned telephone you can talk and have both hands free by lifting a shoulder, tilting your neck, and squeezing the phone up to your head. Although the long-term practice of this gyration can make your chiropractor a wealthy man, it works for the short term. Especially so if you want to open your mail while some long-winded friend has you trapped in a long spiel where your only contribution is one 'unh huh' after another. Have you ever tried this with a cell phone?

Mind you, if some of the cell phones get any smaller you will be able to stuff them in your ear and then all you'll have to do is talk loud enough to wake the dead for your wireless communication partner to hear you. Even though some people seem to be practicing this last part already, my solution was to acquire a headset. The Nokia offering available at the time looked like a wire with two jellybeans strung on it. The bean on the end you stuff in your ear while the other one dangles in the vicinity of your neck. It is very compact and fits easily into a pocket. It is also a pain in the neck of the non-chiropractic kind. The real solution was a full headset with a sprung headband and a boom mike. This required an adaptor ("Twenty dollars for that little piece of plastic?" I say. "Take it or leave it, buddy!" he says.) but at least it was functional.

Now that the phone was comfortable and convenient the problem of reliability came into play. The cell phone providers have made a great effort to provide good signal strength while you are on the freeways, but not so great an effort for the residential areas away from the crush of traffic. Think about this for a minute. Why do people drive and talk? The freeways may be the only areas where they can reliably place a call! ("Get in the car Maude, it's time to call your mother.")

To improve my signal strength at home I picked up a small mini-mag antenna that was designed to stick on the roof of a car. I use the bottom of a springform cake pan as a ground plane and keep it in my house. The irony of this is that my car is a Saturn -- with a plastic roof -- and is about the only place I cannot use the antenna. At least I now get a good signal at home.

Of course, calls from the convenience of home tend to be different from those made from the road. Generally they are longer. Coupled with the extra draw of the accessories now attached to the phone, the longer conversations draw battery life into question. This is easily resolved with one of those plug-in transformers that let you talk and charge at the same time.

With these issues now resolved, I offer you a picture of my home-compatible 'wireless' telephone.

Somewhere the technology gods must be laughing.