The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
(Note: FSE's are "Field
Service Engineers.")
Q': How long will it take?
A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q'': What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A'': They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A'': Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A': None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program,
and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to
make sure nobody else
tries to change the light bulb at the same
time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A'': One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A''':None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the
pages state only, "This page intentionally
left blank," and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A <...> consists
of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks."
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A'': Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
(Note: Probably the only really good
light bulb joke of 1984.)
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls
even if you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty
of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n!"
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A'': None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Oh wow, is it like dark, man?"
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A'': One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A''': In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians,
thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that
one mathematician can
change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb,
and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians
will have
changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive
integers, n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, _Re: YALBJ_, 1986
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light
bulbs.
(Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor
disaster of 1984.)
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
A': It's out?? *Sell my G.E. stock NOW!*
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?"
Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fewer and fewer all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?