Blonde

Also from Karyn's group of phunnies....

One for the blondes!...

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Two blondes are in a railway station. "Can I take this train to Boston?" asks the first.

"No," answers the Railroad man.

"Can I?" asks the second blonde.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.

Signed, A Blonde".

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:

"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"It won't work," said the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE;
*she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
*she thought a quarterback was a refund
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
*she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
*she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
*under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
*she tripped over a cordless phone
*she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
*she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
*she got stabbed in a shoot-out
*she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
*if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
*they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
*at the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" she put "Sagittarius"
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
*it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
*if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
*she studied for a blood test - and failed
*she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
*she sold the car for gas money
*when she saw the "NC-17 (under 17 not admitted)", she went home and got 16 friends
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
*when she missed the #44 bus, she took the #22 bus twice instead
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
*What did the blonde say when She saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
*What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
*What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
*What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
*What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
*Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
*Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
*Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"